Our hopes are a commodity

invested and used laudably

in God, in girls, in school, in team

Who takes our checks? Who’s in our dreams?

We cling to “home” like dead leaves on autumn branches
praying that no wind will come along and from peace snatch us
ignoring wind is coming doesn’t even help our moods
we all fear home will fail; where do you go when it does?

our spirits cry out, longing for something more than vapor

why do we settle for less?

who told us so?

is this it?

no.

Things necessitated by the humanity of Jesus Christ:

1. He got frustrated.
2. He knew boredom.
3. He knew a pretty girl when he saw one.
4. There were days that he didn’t want to do anything.
5. He struggled with what God wanted him to do in his life.

Did you know that they celebrate us?
Up in the streets of heaven where the beauty can’t be said
And the monsters are all gone and my fears are all killed dead

the trumpets sound
and the song is loud
and the saints go marching in
as we give glory to God
they give glory to Him

and every time someone comes home
A cheer goes up from around the throne
One more person to whom grace has been shown
add 1 to the infinite reasons that our God is God alone

and no Chris, this is uncountable
this infinity is not palpable
and we pray to God, who’s infallible
that our souls and hearts would be malleable

for we want to be what he’s made in his image
may we not water down life like boiled spinach
May we be firm and see the good in it
May we be firm and know he’s gonna win it

Cause I know now that they celebrate us
As they worship God, song continuous
because we join the fold, they bring joy for us
and our home is a party, victorious.

What’s the deal with “with”?
My soul is at rest when I’m “with _____.”
The searching ceases and content starts.
Emmanuel? God with us.

The only reason that we do good things is because God, who created us, is good. We bear his likeness, and as Christians, we bear the Holy Spirit. Like a famous Russian author once wrote, “The kingdom of God is within you.” I’m not espousing the contents of the book, as I have not read it. But I think about the title often.

We corrupted all that was good with our sin in the garden. And it means that any good thing we have is susceptible to being taken too far and becoming sinful. This is why I struggle with overthinking. I spend a lot of time trying to be wise, as we are taught to seek wisdom more than silver or gold in Proverbs. I take that very seriously. Unfortunately, this too often manifests itself in overthinking, which saps my trust in God.

Do not get me wrong; hasty decision-making is a terrible problem, just as overthinking is. The point is not the particular sin; the point is that no matter what good I seek, I cannot do it. I have an inability to do everything right, as I want. There is a right way and a wrong way to do things, and I often am so preoccupied with agonizing over which is the right thing that I fail to see I have started into doing the wrong thing by not trusting God to guide me in my decisionmaking. Those who impulsively do without consulting God and godly counsel have no trust in God either, but in a very different way.

It all comes down to trust, for me. I am afraid that God will ruin me if I let him have control of my life. It is a scary thing, to acknowledge that life is totally and completely out of your hands. Without a deity, one is in control of his own destiny; he is able to do what he wants with no obligations and no recommendations. I find this a lonely, unfulfilling and false way to live in the long run, but it does offer daily perks in the illusion of control.

When that illusion of control is lifted, things get real. When faced with an all-powerful God who is in control, it becomes clear that what I do is already planned. I feel like I should make some irrational decisions so that I can say they were part of God’s plan for my life. The reason I haven’t done this is because I don’t want to test the Lord my God (as it says in Deut. 6:16). It is a fine balance to strike.

The deeper reason beyond simply obeying (which is certainly a healthy part of the reason I don’t do random things to see if the Universe will still bear it) is that it makes an idol out of disobeying. It seems much easier and fun to do what I want; if I simply disobeyed what I knew to be right and did something I knew wasn’t, I’d have more fun! And it would be better! But it is temporary, as everything but God is.

And that’s hard too, because sometimes my walk with God doesn’t feel like something I want to continue every day for the rest of my life. Some days the things he requires of us just hurt. And it’s at those times that I really feel like I know better than God. But I don’t, because I’m not omnipotent. I wish that life didn’t have to hurt so much to make us more like Jesus Christ, but he had to go through the worst emotional pain ever felt and some of the worst physical pain ever dealt. And he was perfect. How much greater our suffering as mortal beings?

But here is the gospel: we don’t have to suffer the emotional pain he did. As Christians, we will never be separated from God. And most of us won’t have to suffer the physical pain that he did (seeing as they’re not crucifying people much any more). He suffered on our behalf, being perfect for the unperfect. He didn’t over or underthink. He was stressed; he sweat blood. But he ever, continually had his trust in God. He didn’t sin by breaking that trust and putting it in other things, people, or concepts. He trusted God fully (because he was God), and he paid our price.

I hope to improve in wisdom. I feel confident that I can, as God has broken our bonds of slavery and allowed us to grow into his image. Hallelujah. Amen.

I am sick today.
But the gospel is still the gospel.
I feel like packing it in and not thinking today.
But the gospel is still the gospel.
I’m tired to the point of breaking.
Bu the gospel is still the gospel.
I am sick today.

Mostly, everything but God is a letdown. Because it all ends. Even in my best moments, the nagging awareness that in an hour, a day, or a week, it’s ending. And that sours the best of times. I try to ignore it. I push it to the back of my mind and try to stomp it out. I try to enjoy the moment. Perhaps someday I will be able to. I wish I could have written in this in a poem with an economy of words, but I wasn’t able to today.

But God never ends. I have no fear of that. Sometimes I fear who He is and what he does, but I never fear that he will end. I often am afraid because he never ends. Eternity is a concept I cannot grasp; it is terrifying to me. But God does not end, and if I only allow that to its daily extension (God will not leave me), then all is well.

Perhaps someday I will be able to grasp these things.

A brutal cacophony denies elegance
fears grow huge

If jeers kill
let me not ostracize precious quiet
resting, silence test us very well

xylophones yell.

zero! zero!

your xylophones won’t vex, understand?
The soul rests,
quickly passing our near-sighted musical loves
Kill joy if he governs.

Free everything. Desire Christ’s burden.

Amen.