Jesus Christ died on the cross because I am a sinner in need of help that I cannot provide myself. Some days I can only cling to the words; the thought of trying to understand and bring to bear on my life all that the cross should mean to me is simply overwhelming. And so I remain steadfast in what I believe, repeating the words, praying that I will someday (someday soon) know how to live my life to show that I mean them.

The hardest part about humility for me is not admitting that I need help, but actually accepting the help that people give. I’m totally okay with people thinking I’m no good at life, but not okay with acknowledging that people are better than me at life. Then my words come crashing in around me and the head knowledge (“I am bad at this.”) becomes heart knowledge (“I am bad at this, and I need to change, and that means I have to work at this, and I don’t want to, because I like being this way… oh … oh. I am terrible.”).

And it’s pride, selfishness and American individualism that get in the way; and none of them really look like the gospel. And it’s quite frustrating. I want to be well, as Sufjan Stevens hollers repeatedly at the end of the track of the same name. But it’s not that easy. The holes are deeper than we thought, and there’s no way around.

Thankfully, we have a Savior that will go through them with us to the other side (both short and long terms of the phrase).

Until then, I will learn.

Dear R,

I started this project at your suggestion. I needed to think about the Gospel, and how it affected my daily life. Along the way, I’ve lost that. Not just in this art project blog thing, but in my daily life. It is easy to look at the circumstances of life and miss what they add up to: a deep need for the redeeming love of Christ.

I have that deep need. It is deeper than any woman’s love can fill. It’s meant to be that way. If a woman’s love were able to satisfy, I would not seek God. And God wants me to seek him, so he makes spaces in me that are impossible to fill but for His love.

And He can and does fill us with his love, when we seek him. It is fleeting and imperfect; I can’t stare at the sun very long. But it is such a grace that I even know to look to the sun.

I pray that I remember that I didn’t choose myself. I was chosen. And even though I don’t know where I’m going, He does; and I will follow, for he loves me. Deep and wide.

In Christ,

The point of this project is to relate the gospel to everything I encounter as a way to center my life around the gospel. I am not surprised that I didn’t have much to write about in the last month, because I didn’t focus near enough on the gospel. I spent a very great amount of time staring at circumstances, then staring at the depths of my terribleness, but not nearly enough time seeing my circumstances through the light of the gospel (small! momentary!) or my depravity through the light of the gospel (immense! still hurtful to people! ultimately forgiven!).

I’ll be gone for a couple more days on a business trip, but I hope to see things through gospel eyes down there (whether or not I get to post). And when I come back, I want to see everything through gospel eyes and start writing again. I can’t do this on my own; I need the power of Christ to do this. I cannot support the weight of my selfishness; I was reminded of that this past month. And I will continue to be reminded of it until the day I die.

Lord, give me eyes to see the gospel where I go, as well as bring it with me.