Beautiful new thing
Don’t know how to use it yet
give thanks; it’s a gift.

A stake in the ground, a marker
a notice of new persistence
renewed strength for the race
hopeful acknowledgment of life
here, not just there, but here
a long time coming, and now
a friendship growing, building
proof of concept, to replicate
both friends and hugs in a new place
stress levels immediately decreased
irrational fears abruptly subsiding
thankful to God for nothing more than
and nothing less than

a single side hug

hallelujah

amen

bitter fruit hangs low, brightly colored
good in the way that soy is beneficial
good in the sense that it pulls life from the vine
one bite like a harsh blast of cold air.

but if I eat it long enough
I will get used to the taste;
and longer still,
I will enjoy the complex flavors.
So while I long for sweet,
I won’t pass up what is given.

I will feast on the bitter fruits
until I love what I have become through them.

Passion burns in me
with or without direction
God, haste an outlet

I am always tempted on tough emotional days to not write. It’s just a blog. No one reads it. No one really follows it, so a day doesn’t matter. You aren’t that great at doing what you say you do on that blog. 

But if I can’t think of anything but those things tonight, then at least I can own my insecurities. They are there. I am tempted, and I make mistakes that power those insecurities. I feel entitlement, then disappointment that I don’t have what I feel I am entitled. I create problems for myself and blame them on others (or God, or circumstances, or anything but me). I could choose to not make trouble for myself, but I don’t.

I am not always this way, but today is like this.  And the only thing that can save me from this is Jesus Christ, whose gospel is for me every day. For me. May I understand that more.

When everything breaks down, there are only two worldview options. I would rather hope in an unseen future promised to me than be disappointed by man’s failure to stem chaos in the world.

For every inch of life that burns in me
there is a mile that screams “you are not who you want to be”
and some days the doubt is right
because I am not at a long-term place
I am in process. It is a place, but not the place.

Other days it is wrong. I am who I want to be
a redeemed son of God living his life as a sacrifice
from God, to God, so others can know God.
I am this all the time; but some days I wish I were doing it there
as opposed to here
and then
as opposed to now

and that’s a sin. Because I am here.
To overlook now for the then is to miss God now
and then when will “then” be?
I may never see God as I ought

for the now is all there is;
for who can know when we evaporate?
So I must be what I can be now.
I must live the life given me to the full,
and not yearn for tomorrow.
I want to be alive today.

for every inch of life that burns in me
there is a mile that screams “you are not who you want to be”

His severing of old ties
bears a sanctifying promise
but the bitter gnarls sprawl deep and wide
till holy shoots replace them

Oh, mess am I, and unfaithful,
always doubting, never seeing
never remembering faithfulness
often remembering doubt
you have brought me through before
you will bring me through again
for this time is no different
I am always in your hand.

The tension I feel most is the space between my knowledge that I choose sin as often as God and that God is in control of everything.

There are entire denominations in that tension, but I am in poor with both sides, for I choose both.

My God is that big.