May 19 2020

So life goes on, as people eat brunch
and chat and twiddle on their phones
the concrete actions of life, their symbolic meaning hidden
from me. I am okay with, even comforted by, the concrete
but the symbolic is unknowable, even if I could hear
the conversations or hear the texts. What does it say, what
does it mean? Why do you mean it the way you do?
Why do we want such different things?
For we have what seems like cross purposes /
we are all trying to make the world better —
but with different goals, different ends, different means.
I wish in one way that we would all think similarly–
that there would be no conflict on anything, ever. And
so this, I suppose, is the way I grasp ineffability, heaven.
In another way, pragmatically, I wish we could all just agree
to disagree, to be kind to each other in concrete ways,
regardless of the symbolic meaning. But we don’t trust each
other enough to be okay with that: we humans love power
and that is a shame. We like to punish each other for not agreeing–
or maybe we don’t, and my skepticism goes to show a lack of trust.

so let me call it what it is: I don’t trust anyone to pull up
short, to say, “this is enough, thanks.” Everyone wants
everyone to think exactly as they do, and thus there is no
“enough” while we are still individuals separated by the frames
of these bodies, by the following of different leaders, by
the memory of different experiences uninterpreted by the same lens.
For we will never be the same, reformed to a single consciousness, but
we will be ourselves, interpreted by the same arbiter.
We all would like it to be the arbiter of our choice, be it
God or reincarnation or nothingness. Our choice of final arbiter
is how we structure the rest of our lives, as they keep going,
concretely and symbolically.

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